Anyways. We all kinda adopted this song as our song for Recovering
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
You have to learn to crawl
Hello Everyone, I have been wanting to share my story with you all and some things about me that I have not been able to talk about in meeting. I thought this was a little easier for me to do that right now. I tend to ramble a bit so bare with me ok?.Takes a deep breath ok here goes.. Hello I am Lattra Addict/Alkie my sobriety date is 10/31/96..I was born in a little town called Winona and of course you all know da Mississippi momma chuckles.I was born 4/23/65.. Well, I started drinking at the age of 12 ..and of course loved the feeling that it gave me..That I was somebody and all the pain of life was numbed also..I felt like I fit in when drinking..Then from there I started smoking pot when 16 and popping pills shortly after..I loved downers because i was a really nervous and shy person..A loner very much so..but when I started drinking and using so I could be around people and be the life of the party.. and make a complete ass of myself and laugh thinking it funny..All the time being talked about and used up by people chuckles..Boy did I think I had friends.. and when they hurt me and I hurt them..Well I moved on to yet others ..and same process..you know the story I am sure..smiles.
I come from a very disfunctional family.I think my whole family has very addictive personalities..lol.. pretty sure of it in fact..Anyway at the age of 3 my mom and dad divorced and my mom worked like 16 hours a day to support 6 kids.. Well at the age of 5 ...sigh softly..takes a deep breath..I was molested by a family member up until I turned 13..The next part is so very hard for me to say.. But I need to say it.. I did not know how to stop it..I had become over the years from age 5 til i was 13 to believe it was something that happened and that you just had to keep it kept secret..What a twisted thing for a small child to be made to believe...Sits quietly a moment and crys softly to be getting this out..So anyway, When I turned 13 I just could not let it happen anymore .I had already started drinking at age 12 and at this time the booze did not keep the guilt and shame out. Probably because at that age I was not able to get booze whenever I wanted it.But it did kill my pain and numb me enough to where I could live with myself.Over the next few years til I turned 16 I drank heavily.
I lived out very unhealthy behaviors.I looked for love in all the wrong places you might say.Only to go deeper into the shame and guilt..By age 19 I was popping valiums and pain killers and almost od'ed once and was in very many blackouts.My drinking slacked off to almost nothing and the drugs increased..I had this idea in my head that I would NEVER be an alkie like my father..lol..boy what an insane mind huh?..Thinking that as long as I did not drink I would not be an alkie and I had no problem with it..Giving plenty of excuses for the drugs being accepted..lol..like how I was a nervous child and a bad stomach problem..ect. .ect..you get the picture right?..lol..Boy did I have it all figured out..When I almost over dosed My mom tried to help me so I accepted it at that and said ok I will stop with your help.Boy if I would only have known and her too, that no human power could save me. So, I of course lied and denied to her and to myself as I started using again within the week.And that was to carry me into the next 12 years of total hell and misery.Total depths of hell..I never thought I would stick a needle in my arm and slam dope but that's addiction..Totally Insane!!
I want go on into all of those years because ummm well you know..more pain and shame and guilt..So I will go into how my strength, Of course which came finally when i was sick and tired of being sick and tired . I believe for me I had been hitting bottom for quiet a while but just would not give up the fight til the bitter in. I had to go through several car wrecks..total shame based things that are still to embarrassing to talk about ..chuckles..just me and that one other human and God.. smiles..but anywhooo the last days of my using I could not even get out of bed..my arm was in a cast from my last wreck with a metal plate. ..*second metal plate* shakes head..I just couldn't mess it up in the wreck..had to go out and drop some acid after getting out of hospital and wrestle around and mess it back up and have to have a second surgery...chuckles..I can laugh about it today..I couldn't then..Smiles The wonderful things in recovery huh?..So I am laying there no drugs..no money..So sick and tired of it all..Just absolutely no will to live .I had already held a gun to my head in front of my kids but no guts to pull the trigger.God I do still regret putting them through that.But I know I can't go back and change it so I move forward and do the best I can with them now..today.
So anyway I layed there and I cried like i never cried before I think..And just said God I don't wanna live like this anymore ..please God help me.. And cried and cried..I got up and told my mother I wanted to go see my brother and his wife..I just felt and knew they could help me.. My brother and I were very close and His wife had been in treatment so I knew they could help me and also when I had laid there praying to God They came into my mind and I just knew..Well I went to their house and my sister in law called and got me into treatment and on OCT 31 1996..laffs Halloween..eeekkk I went in and spent 28 days in primary treatment and came to believe ..I was set free..I remember being in a lecture on Higher Power and well I feel that was my first and probably most powerful spiritual awakening.. I sat there and choked back trying not to cry and when it was over I went to my room and bawled my eyes out feeling the most wonderful sense of peace and like everything was going to be ok..really be ok.
I started grasping the love of this fellowship when I entered into the center and admitted completely that I was an addict.(not alkie at the time yet)..lol..But that day I truly came to believe in my HP who I call GOD..Well my counselor told me that he thought I needed secondary treatment for I thought another month..but came out to be 2 more months. He told me that he did not want to hear me whine about I had to get back to my kids because I had not been there for them before now, so how could I expect to be there for them now if I was not ready..That I needed this time for me..So..I did not whine..lol..That stuck in my mind and I look back on it and am sooo greatful to him..even though it pissed me off at the time for him to tell me that..How dare he say that??!!..lol. But it was exactly what I needed to hear so that I could really take the time to heal in secondary and work on my issues from child hood. Well I went to secondary and was blessed with yet another wonderful counselor, who I love dearly.She helped me to reach in and take care of the inner child within me. Today when the fears slip in, I close my eyes ,and I walk to that scared little girl, and I hold her and say NO to the intruder. I tell her nothing can hurt you ever again..smiles.. I am soo thankful for the time I had in secondary..so very thankful.
Well, after getting home things just were as we say sometime quickly sometimes slowly.. well they were very quickly for me I feel.. Things were just so good for me..I was sooo peaceful and happy and free..Way up on that pink cloud. Well 7 months into my recovery my brother who I was soo close to and helped me to get into recovery and who had helped me sooo much spiritually after i went into treatment and for those next 7 months..was brutally murdered.Well I won't go into the murder but I can just say I got very angry at God for a long time I went through all the stages of grief..At that time i lived on more resentment that i would not use come hell or high water because I would not do that to Barry.(brother) and was pissed at God for taking him away from me..But today I know God did not take him away from me.And I have forgiven the guy who did..You see in order for me to go on and to live I had to forgive him .My father lives in anger and hatred over this guy taking Barry and it is eating away at him. I had to forgive to go on with my life..And I know Barry would not want us to suffer over this..He had told us not long before it happened that he would be ok if anything ever happened to him.. He and I talked about deep stuff like that..I actually had asked him about it because I was really feeling a lot of fear about death..I don't feel that fear anything like I did before..smiles.
OK I am rambling again..Boy this is gonna be a long letter.. I just want to say The love in recovery I have never felt before..When I went into treatment and got past the squirrly days..lol..which i can still get off in..I felt such a feeling of truly being home..I was finally somewhere where people understood me and had been there too.I did a lot of listening and still do..I am always nodding my head..laffs.. cuz I am like..I know ,I know,..that is me that is me..And to find a God of my understanding..no one else.well It is AMAZING..I was brought up if you sin your goin ta hell..your bad!! Well shit I was doomed at 5 ..lol..I know that isn't true ..My God loves me no mater what and is a loving ..forgiving God.. And if I will just stay the heck outta the way and let Him have my life and not try to run it ..lol..well you know the story.. Smiles... Something else that i just gotta say..you loved me til I could love myself..when I got here on that Halloween day and heard people tell me we will love you til you can love yourself..I thought man nut cases..damn crazy people..nobody gives a shit about others..But They kept loving me even when I rejected the love and kept hugging on me...lol..I love those hugs now and need them.And today I don't have to be perfect..This is about progress to me and growth ..spiritually growth.. I want what you people have and if I just keep it simple and do the deal and DON'T use or drink and keep coming back I know I will always have it.But most importantly for me is to place my dependence upon my HP..He does for me what I can not do for myself..I just have to seek Him.Thanks for letting me share myself with you. Thank you to all of the wonderful friends in my life today and my family.I Love all of you and keep you close to my heart.